Tokyo Beat Down (DS) - 2009’s first cult smash?

In March of this year, Atlus will be publishing Tokyo Beat Down - an old-school beat-em-up for the DS which is either going to be terrible or an absolute camp classic. What’s clear from the screenshots and videos so far is that it’s had a superb localisation from a team absolutely aware of its inherent daftness, along with a press release so good, that I’m just going to reprint it in full here:

In Tokyo Beat Down, you shoot first, punch second, kick third, break for lunch, and then ask questions… if there’s time. Every sort of crook, hoodlum, thief, criminal, traitor, drug dealer, murderer, assassin, terrorist, arsonist-well, you get the idea-is scheming to take over the streets of Tokyo, and only one police unit has what it takes to stand in their way. The most vicious, merciless, unyielding team of enforcers: the Beast Cops.

This sordid tale of Tokyo’s criminal set unfolds through the eyes of three different cops with unique play styles. Story branches lead to multiple endings that determine whether you’ll get your shot to beat down the ultimate crime boss. That’s right, boys and girls, multiple characters and endings.

This is arcade beat ‘em up action at its finest. Hurl enemies into each other, chain together combos, execute special moves and throws, and then let loose on your foes with an arsenal of firearms, ranging from the small to the obscenely large. (Rocket launcher, anyone?) Your enemies don’t just die; they flicker into nonexistence. That’s right, they flicker! Let the cool rush of nostalgia sweep over you like a river of sweet, sweet gaming refreshment.

What do you do when thugs and hoodlums put peace and freedom in jeopardy? When the streets are overrun with the worst sort of scum? When the city’s most feared villains seek to rise to power? YOU BEAT THEM DOWN!

The emboldened part made me laugh for about a minute. With characters called Stuff-In-Common-With-You Guy and dialogue like “you’re so naive…fists can solve any problem”, Tokyo Beat Down might just be the most hilariously quotable thing since Anchorman. It’s out in March for just $29.99, and I immediately want it.

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