Okay, bear with me on this one. While we train up the WiiWii team of monkeys to write posts for us (at the moment, they keep veering off into Shakespeare, which is a pain), we started idly speculating about whether real monkeys would be any good at playing Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz on a Wii.

After all, they do have opposable thumbs, so are probably the best equipped members of the animal kingdom to wield a Wii-mote. And this seemed like an ideal opportunity for five minutes arsing about on Wikipedia some serious scientific research. Read on for our top five Wii-playing monkeys.

1. Night Monkeys
Members of the genus Aotus, you’ll find these in the forests of south and central America. They only come out at night, which is handy for those post-pub Wii sessions, and they have a repertoire of 50-100 distinct vocal sounds, which is ideal for boasting when they’ve nailed a strike in Wii Sports bowling. The downside: they have no colour vision, which might be a hindrance in most puzzle games.

2. Spider monkeys
Members of the genus Ateles, these furry fellas are also found in tropical forests in south and central America. They’d be marvellous at playing Wii, thanks to their highly flexible tails, which function as a fifth hand when swinging through the trees, but would be as adept at firing arrows in Zelda: Twilight Princess. Probably. They’re also clever, with brains twice as big as howler monkeys, so well equipped for any strategy games.

3. Bonobos
Not just because we like the name, either. Honest. These belong to the chimpanzee genus, and are well known for their upright gait, which should make them magnificent Wii Sports players. Along with general chimps, bonobos are the closest monkey relatives to humans too, making it slightly easier to get an accurate-looking Mii avatar for them. The downside: they shag. Lots. And nobody wants unexpected monkey love while trying to concentrate on their Wii Sports golf swing.

4. Marmosets
Members of the genus Callithrix, these monkeys may not immediately strike you as being ideal Wii players, given that they’re just 20cm long and look like ruffled Koala bears. And their brains aren’t too hot either, making that “No, you move the ground, not the monkeys!” explanations for Banana Blitz potentially lengthy. But the Wii-mote won’t fly out of their grip at least, what with their strong claws. Plus they have big teeth capable of chewing holes in trees – or your friends’ legs, if they’re beating you.

5. Monkey
You know, the chap off that TV series with the enormous Mungos on the sides of his face. He’s got martial arts skills! He’ll find Red Steel’s sword-swiping no problem…

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This entry was posted on Monday, December 4th, 2006 at 11:56 am by Stuart Dredge
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